Tasteless Birdy Jokes

Warning: May contain "fowl" language

See also: Tasteful Jokes

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky, you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you bitch!"

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I'll kick your ass!"

The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you're a ballsy bastard!"

A "slow-witted" fellow walks into a pet shop and asks to buy a whistling Mynah bird. The pet shop owner explains that myna birds do not whistle. The customer explains that he wants a whistling myna bird more than anything else in life. Finally, he pet shop owner confesses that if you file the bird's beak just right, then the bird will whistle. He sells the gentleman a myna bird, and gives him a file and complete instructions on how to use it.

Several days later the slow-witted gentleman returns to the pet shop, and the owner asks how the bird is doing. The customer replies that the bird is dead. Seems as though he filed the bird's beak just as instructed, and when he removed the bird's head from the vise, he was dead.

This lawyer walks to work everyday to help relieve stress and add some exercise regiment to his day. Every morning and evening he passes a pet shop with an aviary along the front. Inside the aviary is a beautiful parrot. Each morning and each evening, upon seeing the lawyer, the bird releases a barrage is disparaging remarks directed at the lawyer.

This goes on day after day...month after month... and finally one morning the lawyer has just had
enough of insults and vulgarities uttered by the bird- he's had clients overhear the comments and is at his wits end.

He storms into the pet store, grabs the owner and tells him that if he doesn't do something about that bird, he's going to sue the owner for
slander! The owner reassures the lawyer the parrot will never speak those hurting words again!

So that evening, on his way home, as the lawyer appraoches the aviary- he notices the bird is still in the window. The lawyer sees the parrot staring at him, and as he passes- just waiting for the bird to start...the bird whipsers to him, "Psst, hey buddy, come here!" The curious lawyer leans near - the bird leans into him, looks him in the eyes and says, "Heh heh heh, yeah, but you know what I'm thinking!"

A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative. The Parrot, being a male, sneaks out and screws the next door neighbors turkeys and rushes back home, but not before being caught in the act.

The next door neighbors knock on the door and explain what the Parrot has been doing. The owners of the parrot reprimand him and tell him if he doesn't stop it he's going to shave the parrots head.

That night the Parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out and screws his neighbors turkeys again. The next morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head.

The following morning is the Farmers daughters wedding, and in order to please the relative that gave them the parrot, they sit the parrot on a piano and tell him for his punishment he has to greet all the guests and tell them where to sit in the church.

The parrot is doing fine. "Grooms side to the left and Brides side to the right". Until two bald guys walk in and he says, "And you two Turkey fuckers up on the piano with me!!!"

A pet store had a parrot they were selling as a "talking bird". A customer walks in and asks, "What does this parrot say?" The store owner replys, "Light a match under the parrot's left foot and see for yourself." The customer does and the parrot starts singing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way..." "Now try the right", says the owner. The customer moves the match under the parrot's right foot and the parrot starts singing, "Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh..." "That's neat" the customer says, "but what if I held the match BETWEEN the parrot's feet?" "I don't know", says the owner, "try it!" So the customer lights another match and holds it between the parrots feet. The parrot hesitates, then starts singing, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire!"

-- Vicki Kwasniewski (vk@nysernet.org)

An old lady has a parrot, she has had the bird for years and takes him faithfully to church with her.

One Sunday, for no reason the bird says G-- D--- it's hot in here! The lady is embarrassed, and goes home, hoping next week will be better.
Almost through the next week's sermon again with the G-- D--- it's hot in here. The lady takes the bird to the vet and asks what she can do to stop these outbursts.

The vet suggests that if he does it again she should grab the bird by his feet and swing him above her head, thus scaring him into silence.

As in the past, the bird shouted G-- D--- it's hot in here!

With swift determination the lady grabbed the pet and swung him around above her head. The bird responded with " NOW I FEEL A F------ BREEZE!"

-- Sent by Mike Steele <Steele@fmsd.k12.pa.us>

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