Tastefull Birdy Jokes

See also: Tasteless Jokes

What did the bid say to its owner?
"Master want a cwacker?"

-- Sent by Maher32@aol.com

A man brought his parrot to the office of a late-night talk show. Knowing that the show was always looking for offbeat guests. The man told the talent coordinator, "If you pull his left leg, he'll sing "The Camptown Races". Pull his right leg, he'll sing "Swanee River".

The coordinator said, "What if you pull both legs?" The parrot said, "I fall off the darn perch, dummy!"

-- Sent by Dan and Rita <DANIELRITAMORG@webtv.net>

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much" asks the first man. The owner says "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer."

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus
it knows how to use the UNIX operating system. Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot, only to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars.

Needless to say this begs the question "What can it do?" To which the owner replies "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!".

-- Sent by Dan and Rita <DANIELRITAMORG@webtv.net>

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.

Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot.They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another. After a week the parrot finally said: "OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

-- submitted by numerous people.

A lady went to an auction and was smitten by a beautiful parrot for sale and decided that she must own this gorgeous bird! When the bird came up for sale, the auctioneer asked, "How much am I bid for this parrot?" and the lady bid with "Seven hundred dollars". "Eight hundred!" "Eighty hundred fifty!" "Nine hundred fifty!" go the next several bids, and the lady bid "One thousand dollars!" Bidding goes on this way for several minutes until she found herself the proud owner of an parrot for $1500.

She approached the auctioneer and asked him "Can the bird talk?" to which the auctioneer replied "Lady, who do you think was bidding against you?"
-- Sent by Dan and Rita <DANIELRITAMORG@webtv.net>

This guy passes by a pet shop and sees a parrot that costs $500. He asks why it costs so much and the salesman tells him the parrot speaks five languages. "Five languages!" exclaims the man. "Does it speak Yiddish?" "Sure," says the salesman. The customer figures, his mom lives in the projects in the Bronx, all alone - he'll send her the parrot, it'll keep her company.

He pays the $500, has the store deliver the parrot to his mother, the next day he calls her up. "Mom, how did you like the parrot
I bought you?" Mmm, delicious!" she says. "What do you mean delicious?" "I made soup out of it, it came out great!" "But mom, this parrot spoke
five languages!" "Five languages??? So why didn't he say anything?"

-- Sent by Dan and Rita <DANIELRITAMORG@webtv.net>

A burglar is robbing a home when he hears a small voice say, "Jesus sees you." Startled, he turns and looks around, but finding no one he decides it was his imagination and goes back to stuffing loot into his sack.

Once again he hears, "Jesus sees you." This time, he sees that it was a small parrot. Laughing, he says to the parrot, "Oh, I see. I guess you're Jesus."

"My name is Paco," the parrot replys. "Jesus is the rottweiler standing behind you."

There's this fellow with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invectives that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets VERY quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Q: What do you get when you cross a tiger with a parrot?

A: I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.

(I learned this one when I was in second grade) -- Kurt

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